Listen to Criticism, Then Listen to God
Sometimes, God will show you an issue in another believer’s life, about which you must pray and might need to talk to them. Sometimes, it works the other way, and others are speaking to you about your life. Words of correction can be hard to receive and even harder to evaluate! When others point out their concerns about your life, there are four possibilities about what they say and how you react.
The Stings of Unjust Criticism
First, they might be mistaken, not viewing that issue the way God does. But they are sincerely mistaken, seeking your good but too quick to judge. There is no delay between an impression in their brain and a word on their tongue. They need to hear James’ command to be “slow to speak” (James 1:19). Second, this could be malice, and their words are intended to wound you. They planned to cause you pain, and they accomplished it quite well. Most adults can remember the taunts and insults they received as teenagers or the unkind words spoken to them by adults!
The Fair Criticisms that Test Your Soul
Third, that criticism might be right, but you are too blind to your sin and too stubborn in your heart to receive it. Instead of receiving their words as blessings from God, you wrongly reject them. Fourth, the correction might be right, and you receive it righteously. You know the wisdom of Proverbs 27:6: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” You have even learned to appreciate the Psalmist’s attitude: “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it” (Psalm 141:5). But, how does God move us to the Psalmist’s attitude? What does he want us to do when we hear what we do not want to hear?
Step One: Honor by Listening!
We are called to show honor to others, especially believers, so the first step is to listen to their concerns. Do not just brush them off, even if you sense impure motives or a lack of grace. All pastors have had the experience of hearing a concern (“churchy” word for veiled criticism) on the way to the pulpit or as the first words out of someone’s mouth. Poor timing and poor delivery should not negate your kindness in listening. Since there is “death and life in the power of the tongue,” perhaps they are offering you a gift from God. Christian leader and martyr Dietrick Bonhoeffer wrote that “nothing can be more compassionate than that severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one's community back from the path of sin."1
Step Two: Pray about It!
Praying about the critique should be the simplest step since we should be praying about everything anyway. As God calls you to “pray without ceasing” and “give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18), then you can always 1) Thank God for those words you heard, 2) Ask God to show you whether they are true. These are simple steps, but it can be hard to follow them. Just as those in the tropics might struggle to thank God for intense storms, or you might struggle to thank God for sickness, thanking God for criticism is hard, but it will humble and grow you. What might be holding you back from praying about what others are saying? Subtle pride is often the culprit. So, we need to remember the Gospel that saved us. Thinking about ourselves in light of our sinfulness and God’s saving grace will help. Alfred Poirier recommends that we should be thinking:
You have not discovered a fraction of my guilt. Christ has said more about my sin, my failings, my rebellion, and my foolishness than any man can lay against me. I thank you for your corrections. They are a blessing and a kindness to me. For even when they are wrong or misplaced, they remind me of my true faults and sins for which my Lord and Savior paid dearly when he went to the cross for me.2
Just like you regularly ask God to show you his will for your life, bring those criticisms before God and cast them down at his feet. Over several days, ask God to confirm or contradict those words. If they were accurate words, then thank God for your “friend” whom he used to caution you. Repent of any sin involved and ask for the courage to make changes. If you are struggling to hear God’s verdict about those critical words, consult with those Christians closest to you who know you best: spouse, parent, adult child. Your minister could also be insightful.
If your Heavenly Father disagrees with that appraisal of you, then let go of those words. Stop thinking about that useless advice and pray for God to give your “friend” more discernment and grace. Do not forget that you need to be praying for them. If you realize someone continuously “slanders” you, stop listening. As a man who faithfully endured false criticisms and even death threats, Charles Spurgeon cited Ecclesiastes 7:21, as he advised young preachers that “You cannot stop people’s tongues, and therefore the best thing is to stop your own ears and never mind what is spoken.”3
Ask God to heal your heart and help you to forget those false words. Even if that false criticism came through a believer, the devil, the father of lies, wants to use those words to discourage you. Pray that God will make you more courageous in helping others with your true words and more careful not to harm others. The lyrics of that precious Hymn, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus,” give the right guidance.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there. 4
Here is a helpful, related article:
"The Unexpected Blessing of Criticism" by Jay Yonts
1 Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together and Prayerbook of the Bible. Ed. Gerhard Ludwig Müller et al., Trans. Daniel W. Bloesch and James H. Burtness, vol. 5 (Fortress Press, 1996), 105.
2 Alfred J. Poirier, “The Cross and Criticism,” Gospel Coalition, 28 Jul., 2019. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/cross-criticism/
3 C. H. Spurgeon, Lectures to My Students: Addresses Delivered to the Students of the Pastors’ College, Metropolitan Tabernacle. Second Series., vol. 2 (New York: Robert Carter and Brothers, 1889), 241.
4 https://hymnary.org/text/what_a_friend_we_have_in_jesus_all_our_s. Emphasis added.
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